Wednesday, February 27, 2013

NBA Arenas and Their Beer Prices


We've all been there. Walking up to one of about 100 beer stands in our favorite NBA team's arena with a $20 bill in hand, knowing quite well that our precious little sheet of green paper is all but gone. I suppose I can't say we've all been there. While most NBA destinations charge nearly $10.00 per brew, there are some NBA arenas that have beer prices as low as $5.00. How do I know all this? BusinessInsider.com has recently released the below bar graph that maps out the price of a small draft beer in each NBA arena.


Are you serious, Phoenix? $9.00 for a small beer? And Business Insider didn't specify exactly but I'm assuming this is for a 16 oz. domestic light. That is out of control. Purchased outside of the arena at a store that particular item would go for approximately $1.00. I know it seems like I'm singling Phoenix out here since the New York Knicks charge the same price, but everything is more expensive in New York. It's just a thing.

Plus, the Knicks are in first-place in the Atlantic Division. Folks really want to go see those games. The Suns are 19-39 (woof). Their fans need to drink alcohol if they're going to take in one of those contests live and in person. Don't punish their wallets along with their team pride. If I were a Suns fan I would be putting down so many Miller Lites at those games I'd be arguing with the people behind me about which Morris brother is better looking.

Let's not let Boston, D.C. and Miami off the hook either. $8.00 is an absolute crime. At least the Heat and Celtics have winners out there, though. $8.00 a pop at a Wizards game? Even Emeka Okafor would complain about those prices as a guy making $14 million a year to put up nine and eight. We need to make some sense of this and I'm just the man for the job. Here are where the 30 NBA teams should rank as far as beer prices are concerned.

1. Miami Heat - $10.00 - Quit your whining, Heat fans. You get to "witness" the greatest athlete on the entire planet and probably celebrate the next five NBA titles. You arrive at your seat with 7:45 to go in the second quarter anyway. You barely have the time to really damage your funds on suds.

2. New York Knicks - $9.00 - If you're comfortable with it, I'm comfortable with it.

3. Brooklyn Nets - $8.75 - Enjoy this price while you have it. Eventually Jay-Z will be in possession of all of your money.

4. San Antonio Spurs - $8.00 - I can't believe their fans only pay $5.00 per beer. Duncan, Pop, four fairly recent titles and a way above average team every year. Spurs fans have it all.

5. Oklahoma City Thunder - $8.00 - See above. How do these fans get away with $5.00 beers at a game? No wonder it's Loud City. The Thunder will be at the top of the West for the next decade. Pay up.

6. Denver Nuggets - $7.75 - High altitude, high price.

7. Los Angeles Clippers - $7.00 - I had to do a balancing act here. The Clippers are one of the most entertaining teams in the league this season but the Lakers have been an absolute disaster. So Clippers fans should have to pay out of the ass but Lakers fans deserve a buy-one-get-one-free for putting up with Dwight all season. Unfortunately, these teams play in the same arena so I had to meet halfway.

8. Los Angeles Lakers - $7.00 - Dwight is a bozo, Nash doesn't fit, but they play in the Staples center and they're all celebrities, yada, yada, yada...

9. Memphis Grizzlies - $7.00 - Can't just let Z-Bo and Tony Allen have those things for free. That stadium would be a pile of hookers, gun powder and cement before you know it.

10. Atlanta Hawks - $7.00 - Atlanta is where the players play. Their fans can handle it.

11. Utah Jazz - $6.75 - Do Mormons drink?

12. Chicago Bulls - $6.75 - Beer makes you strong. It's a scientific fact. Maybe it can help Derrick Rose recover faster.

13. Golden State Warriors - $6.50 - A young upstart team with a fun fan-base deserves a few cold-ones at a reasonable public price. Don't get so drunk you make a run at Roy Hibbert though, fans.

14. Boston Celtics - $6.00 - As the old men get older and the Celtics drift further away from relevance, the fans of the C's need a little somethin' somethin' to ease the pain. Fair price, I think.

15. Toronto Raptors - ???? - I'll put them in the middle. Canadian money is such a mystery I can't even begin to analyze their Labatt prices.

16. Indiana Pacers - $5.75 - They're a boring team. Let's buzz these fans up and build some excitement. That whole Malice thing was Detriot's fault anyway.

17. Milwaukee Bucks - $5.75 - Fear the Beer!

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - $5.50 - Ricky Rubio is of age now, right? Let's make it easy for these Wolves to howl all night long.

19. Cleveland Cavaliers - $5.00 - Cavs fans will be putting on their beer goggles while Kyrie hopefully brings back the mask.

20. Dallas Mavericks - $5.00 - It's the least Cuban can do for the fans after turning their beloved franchise into a laughing stock so often. Amnesty Kobe?

21. Houston Rockets - $5.00 - Get the ladies drunk and unleash Carlos Delfino.

22. Portland Trailblazers - $4.00 - Turn the Rose Garden into the Hoes Garden.

23. New Orleans Hornets - $4.00 - Booze will help the transition into becoming a Pelicans fan.

24. Philadelphia 76ers - $3.75 - More drunk people = more aggressive Andrew Bynum heckling.

25. Charlotte Bobcats - $3.75 - Party, party, party, party, party, party, loss. Doesn't seem that bad, does it?

26. Orlando Magic - $3.75 - Just keep it away from Big Baby. Let Vucevic do some work, though. He'll still grab boards.

27. Washington Wizards - $3.50 - Half the crowd will be locked in Jan Vesely make-out sessions.

28. Phoenix Suns - $2.00 - Reparations for the horrible years of $9.00 drafts and losing seasons. Plus, they have to watch Michael Beasley play basketball and smell Marcin Gortat's armpits from the nosebleeds.

29. Detroit Pistons - $1.00 - Dollar drafts until a brawl breaks out.

30. Sacramento Kings - FREE - Say goodbye in EPIC fashion! Tear the ARCO down!
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